weeping in the void

Chỉ muốn than thở vài câu, rằng sống trên đời sao thấy khó khăn mệt mỏi quá, cái này cũng không được, cái khác cũng không xong, nhìn qua nhìn lại chẳng ai hiểu mình. Người ta bàn luận và khuyên bảo, mà từ đầu họ có nhận định đúng vấn đề đâu. Gắng giải thích thì đâu ai nghe thấu, họ khuyên cho thỏa cái lòng muốn nói của họ thôi mà, nào có quan tâm giúp được gì cho người nhận lời khuyên. Mãi rồi chẳng muốn nói với ai điều gì vì càng nói lại cảm giác như người bị oan nhưng không cách gì bày tỏ…

Thế nên bây giờ chỉ muốn được đi, đi càng xa càng tốt, ở đâu cũng được chẳng cần về. Miễn là xa được những kẻ đã nhốt mình vào lồng kia. Vậy mà chuyện đâu có dễ dàng. Tay cầm tay níu tay, đều nhân danh yêu thương chi đó. Mệt khổ quá rồi…

Cơ mà, ai biết được phía bên kia đồi cỏ có còn xanh? Chỉ sợ mình chỉ đang chuyển từ cái nhà lao này sang cái nhà lao khác. Nếu thế thì đời quanh co bế tắc thật.  

Buồn cười thêm một nỗi, là những dòng này chẳng dám để đâu khác, chỉ dám đặt tại chỗ này, nơi không ai biết mình là ai. Khổ mà cũng không được phép kêu lên là tôi khổ. Haha! thế có khổ không cơ chứ! bây giờ tới chuyện khổ cũng là cái tội ha!

the only way out is through

Upon entering a challenging turn in life, I’d usually hear this question: “Are you scared?” My answer is usually a “No”. Not because I’m fearless, actually I always think I’m among the most uncouragous of all, but because I didn’t feel anything. Somewhere in my head, I believe that if I was indifferent enough, all those unwanted thoughts will drift by unnoticed. 

But then somewhere along the way, I realized I was being disconnected from myself. I didn’t know how I felt anymore, only how I should  feel. I didn’t do what I wanted to do, only what I should do in order to achieve some goal that I had set for myself beforehand. 

“What’s the point?” My definition of happiness involves doing things that I enjoy. But then I wasn’t. Should I do now things that I don’t want to, in order to be able to do what I actually want to do in the future? But what exactly do I want? in the future. Who exactly do I want to become?

Life has been hard lately. Suffocating in stress, I thought to myself: “Living is so difficult.” But I also know no matter what, the only option I have is to move on. “Are you scared?” Now that you’ve mentioned it, yes I freaking do! Nevertheless, scared or not, I will do it anyway. 

Cause the only way is forward. Life is a game with no button for pause, or rewind, or fastforward, only on and on in an unforgiving steady pace. You can’t even quit. Right from birth you were forced to enter this game. The only way out, is through it. 

if you truly loved him you would just love 

Here I go again, waiting for him to call, feeling disappointed when he doesn’t. 

The routine is always like this. He disappears for until I’m so used to it I don’t mind keeping track anymore. Then he shows up, and stirs up my gut the following days for not calling. 

Sounds like he’s keeping me as a second plan huh. Someone to make him feel validated when he needs validation. 

But why does it feel more like he’s occasionally checking up on me, to make sure I’m still fine? Perhaps my heart is playing tricks on my mind. But if I genuinely love him, just for who he is and not for how he makes me feel, then does this even matter anymore? No matter what he thinks of me, no matter how I’m treated, if I love him unconditionally all won’t have bothered me so much. 

There are times when it just feels utterly tiring to mind how people regard me. They can look down on me, so what? Doesn’t mean I can change that or that I want to. Society expects you to keep a good image of yourself. I only want to stay true to my heart. 

I’m so sad but it feels great

It feels great to be in a good mood. 

But I’m not feeling so great right now, and I love it too. 

I’d rather feel sufficient on my own than to crave for the presence of others. Actually I’d love it if I don’t have to depend on anyone for anything at all. 

29062017 01:10

Am I just someone he uses at times to re-assure himself of his worth? That’s the best and most logical conclusion that I and everyone came up with. 

But when we’re together he doesn’t act like he feeds on my sentiment for him. It’s more like these calls are occasional, casual checks that you make for your family. Like postcards. “Hey how have you been?”